Staff Reports
In a city as perplexing as Los Angeles, where protestors’ marching orders come from the “How to Throw a Cringe-Worthy Assembly” playbook, the streets were flooded not with the usual Hollywood actors on their way to a bland awards show, but with a parade dedicated to their beloved local drug dealers. Thousands came out to protest the Trump 2.0 Administration’s audacious attempt to—brace yourself—enforce laws against criminals. Unimpressed by traffic laws or any semblance of order, these valiant warriors of illegal activities occupied the streets, waving flags that weren’t exactly, well, the American ones.
Ah, the foreign flags. Forget the Fourth of July; the scene looked more like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, featuring a float of flag-waving fervor from lands afar. Their disdain for the U.S. was as clear as the smog hovering over the 101 freeway—a picturesque protest moment featuring our national flag transformed into a bonfire starter. It’s the kind of civics lesson that makes one pine for the good old days of spelling bees and apple pies.
Meanwhile, amidst this lovefest for international banners, local officials, led by the mayor with quite possibly the softest touch since Charmin hit the market, reportedly ordered the police to stand down. Videos showed officers packing up their gear and leaving, like campers at a retreat who realized they’d signed up for yoga instead of paintball. In a move that marked LA’s latest entry into the “Are You Serious?” chronicles, the streets were left as the protestors’ playground, providing no interruption to their illicit extravaganza.
Meanwhile, the scene in Seattle was a sequel nobody asked for. There, protestors took to the water’s edge, waving foreign flags which, if flag-waving were an Olympic sport, could only be described as gold-medal-worthy performances. Thank goodness President Trump was back in office, handling this delightful spectacle like a summer blockbuster, deploying troops to the southern border to ensure this parade doesn’t stretch further down south.
Contrast this assertive stance to the previous administration’s approach, which seemed to adopt an Oprah-style open invitation: “You get a border crossing, and you get a border crossing!” Under Trump 2.0, the administration wasted no time ensuring no sweet nothings in email sign-offs or participation trophies were given out. Pronouns vanished from the federal workspace faster than snacks at a kids’ birthday party gone wrong. Even dear Pete Buttigieg had to cleanse his Twitter bio of such frivolities. The once-bustling headquarters of wokeness now finds itself on a forced detox diet.
And so, America finds itself at a crossroads where the new Trump administration decisively veers right, away from the patronizingly dull scripts fed by mainstream media and Hollywood. Instead, they focus on unclogging bureaucratic drains and trimming the relentless vines of political correctness. But take heart, dear readers, because as one cheeky columnist might suggest, the best seat in this unfolding saga is watching what happens next with a giant mug of liberal tears. Cheers to that!
