Staff Reports
In a stunning display of the absurdity that is modern media, the saga of Infowars just leaped out of the realm of reality and into the realm of total theatrical farce. If you’ve been living under a rock or in a COVID-induced stupor, Infowars, the loud and proud purveyor of conspiracy theories and extreme views, was supposedly sold. By whom, you may ask? Well, it all went down with a plot twist that even Hollywood couldn’t pen convincingly. The Onion, yes—the self-proclaimed titans of fake news, thought it would be hilarious to scoop up Infowars right out from under Alex Jones. Their reasoning? Well, it’s all supposed to be one big, ironic joke. Ha ha! Surprise! Turns out, the joke is on them.
The outrageous bidding supposedly ended with The Onion snagging the rights to what can only be described as the last bastion of “freedom of outrageous expression”—until a judge decided that maybe, just maybe, this auction reeked of shady business practices worthy of a true B-movie plot. Shockingly, the court revealed that they didn’t find the high bidder to be the highest bidder, and that’s about as convoluted as a plot twist gets. Who knew the world of conspiracy theories was shrouded in such bureaucracy? Surely, judges weren’t meant to be the sanity check on how high bids work!
Now, let’s take a moment to consider the implications of The Onion owning Infowars. It’s like giving a toddler a drum set and expecting a symphony. You wouldn’t rebrand a fiery hot chili sauce into a decadent dessert, yet here we are, the progressive elite thinking they could somehow turn Infowars into an avenue for snarky one-liners. Infowars would remain Infowars—loud, proud, and likely a little nuts. The Onion’s decision to buy it, presumably while eating kale chips and sipping oat milk lattes, just shows they might not grasp the concept of “you can’t tame the wild.” Spoiler alert: The only thing they may achieve is adding the cherry on top of an already absurd sundae.
But not to fear! It seems the universe is giving Alex Jones a gift that just keeps on giving. You thought he’d ride off into the sunset after losing his beloved platform? Think again! He’s already up and running with his new venture, the Alex Jones Network. What does it take to drag this guy down? Not a whole lot. Alex Jones appears to be the cockroach of media—resilient and somehow impossible to crush. He has been broadcasting his conspiracy theories and dubious claims to millions of viewers as if he just logged in with a shiny new modem from 1995.
It’s amusing to think about how media giants loom over Infowars like oversized cartoon villains, only to realize that they can’t truly suppress the wildfire that is Alex Jones. He’s a man who thrives on conflict and chaos. Even as mainstream media clings to hope that they’ve somehow won a victory in muzzling him, the truth is that Alex Jones has never been one to shy away from a good fight. He’s so ingrained in the fabric of digital media that trying to erase him is like attempting to remove T-Rex from Jurassic Park—good luck with that!
So here we are. The Onion temporarily put the ‘laugh’ in ‘laughter’ while Infowars remains perched like a phoenix ready to rise from the ashes—or should we say, a very swampy mire of its own making. In the face of all this chaos, one thing remains abundantly clear: no matter how sophisticated the auctioneer or how smug corporate overlords feel, they’ll find it rather hard to outsmart the creative chaos that is Alex Jones. Let’s grab the popcorn, folks; this show has only just begun!
