Staff Reports
A massive alligator caused quite a stir in Fort Myers this week when it crashed a family’s porch like an uninvited guest at a backyard barbecue. The leathery intruder barged past a lawn chair, proving once again that Florida’s wildlife has zero respect for private property. Deputies arrived to find the gator stubbornly planted by the front door—a living reminder that nature doesn’t care about your security system.
The reptile’s failed attempt to redecorate with patio furniture turned it into an internet sensation. Bodycam footage shows the beast dragging a lawn chair stuck on its head, looking like a swampy reject from a home improvement show. Law enforcement handled the situation with the calm professionalism conservatives expect—no woke sensitivity training required when dealing with jaws that could snap a canoe in half.
Lee County Sheriff’s Office joked about the encounter online, posting “Knock knock! Your visitor is chewing at the bit to come in!” This is how real public servants operate—solving problems with grit and good humor, not endless committees. The trapper who helped relocate the gator didn’t need a government manual to do his job—just common sense and strong tape for those toothy threats.
While wildlife officials blamed mating season for the gator’s stroll, hardworking Floridians know the real issue. When bureaucrats prioritize protecting every critter over human safety, this is what happens. The same environmental policies that banned plastic straws apparently make great welcome mats for prehistoric predators.
This isn’t Florida’s first wildlife invasion—monkeys recently terrorized another neighborhood while regulators twiddled their thumbs. Ordinary citizens shouldn’t need a degree in zoology to enjoy their morning coffee without scaly visitors. It’s time to put Americans first, not reptiles looking for free real estate.
The trapper’s quick action shows why we need more boots-on-the-ground experts—not more desk jockeys pushing paperwork. Four strong men hauled the gator away, proving that muscle and determination still solve problems better than any government app. This is how we keep communities safe—through action, not endless red tape.
Some might call this another “Florida Man” story, but it’s really a warning. When wildlife runs wild and authorities prioritize animals over people, this is the result. Conservatives understand—you don’t negotiate with gators. You secure them, remove them, and protect what’s yours.
The family’s porch is now gator-free, thanks to brave responders who didn’t wait for permission slips to do their jobs. In America, we don’t cower from challenges—whether they’re foreign invaders or local reptiles. This scaly squatter learned the hard way—don’t mess with folks who believe in self-reliance and Second Amendment solutions.
