Staff Reports
Joe Biden’s stint as president appears to be crashing and burning faster than a drone strike on a Taliban wedding. The aging commander-in-chief has announced he’s bowing out of the 2024 race, endorsing none other than the infamous Kamala Harris to take up the mantle. The coup de grâce? He plans to spend the remainder of his term in isolation, leaving the nation wondering just who is running the show anyway. To make matters worse, he opted to announce this resignation via a tweet—because nothing says leadership like a digital farewell.
Expectations around Biden’s departure were met with speculation about his health, of which his brother Frank made casual mention. Frank claimed that his brother’s health played a “major role” in the decision, leaving the impression that Biden isn’t just retreating from running; he may be planning a permanent vacation. However, whispers from family insiders appear to suggest that Frank’s qualifications to comment on family matters might not be the most credible, given his alleged ongoing struggles with alcohol. It’s a classic case of who to believe in a family known for its peculiar choices and strange behavior.
Contrasting the current spectacle with the simpler times of past presidencies brings to mind Lyndon Baines Johnson, who had the gall to address the nation directly when he opted out of the ’68 race. Today, Biden’s absence from the camera has stirred conspiracy theories, with commentators likening the situation to a real-life “Weekend at Bernie’s.” A lack of even a single White House photograph has led to rampant speculation over Biden’s whereabouts. If his office can’t produce a visual proof of life, one might wonder if America should call for a missing persons report instead.
Throwing more fuel on the fire of confusion is the fact that White House Chief of Staff Jeff Zients was the one communicating the news to the cabinet, not Biden himself. This has left an anxious administration scrambling. For an administration that touts itself as the best ever, there certainly seems to be a lot of behind-the-scenes chaos. Zients’ enthusiastic email to staff displayed his unwavering concern for the administration but raised the question of transparency—if the president is healthy enough to tweet, why not just speak directly to the public?
The disarray raises a fundamental question: who is really in charge here? Given the disarray, one might imagine a scenario where the nation’s leaders are more concerned with who takes out the trash than who actually handles the nuclear codes. If this type of bewildering scenario were happening in any other country, the U.S. would likely be sending a fleet of diplomatic envoys and monitors, decrying the collapse of order. But here, it seems the left is content to let the dysfunction reign supreme while they continue planning policies that haven’t been popular since bell-bottoms were in fashion. The American people deserve to know who is steering the ship—because right now, it feels like they’re on a hilariously chaotic joyride at the theme park called Washington, D.C.
