Staff Reports
Last night, President Joe Biden expressed what could only be described as the farewell address of a man who’s just discovered he’s the star of a farcical sitcom. As the clock ticked toward bedtime – precisely around 8:00 PM Eastern – our commander-in-chief decided it was time to unleash a torrent of conspiracy theories and good old-fashioned nonsense upon a nation that was likely just trying to decide what to have for dinner. Nothing quite like a nightcap of absurdity before curling up with a copy of “How to Ignore Your Problems.”
In a performance reminiscent of a knitting club meeting gone rogue, Biden hilariously warned us about how his party pushed him out of the campaign—something he might want to reflect on as he apologizes to the American people for a torrent of illegal aliens crashing through our borders like they’re trying to catch the last call at a bar. Ten percent of the nation is now occupied by these so-called “criminal invaders,” courtesy of Biden and his administration. Well, at least they’re getting in before the door closes and the last minivan heads back to wherever it was they came from.
Meanwhile, our Millennial and Gen Z friends are caught in a housing crisis that feels more like a cruel joke than a reality. A handful of ultra-wealthy folks are making a game of Monopoly with their lives while the rest of us stand by helplessly watching our dreams of homeownership drown. But don’t worry, Biden’s got a plan. Well, sort of. By the time he figured out where the exit to the economic downturn was, he could barely manage to remember what the actual problem was in the first place.
In a surprising twist, he acknowledged that we no longer live in a fair world, being dominated by an oligarchy of wealthy elites – a statement that must have made the echoes of George Soros’s bank accounts cheer in approval from their perch on high. Nothing says “I’m all for democracy” like awarding Soros a Medal of Freedom while a multimillionaire sends his kid to accept it because, you know, he can’t be bothered to leave the mansion. If there’s one thing Biden’s good at, it’s ensuring the folks behind the curtains are nice and cozy while the rest of us fend for ourselves.
Just to add a cherry on top of this cold, incoherent dessert, Vice President Kamala Harris graced us with her final thoughts of the season. If you were expecting profound wisdom, prepare for an underwhelming mix of jargon that could have only come from someone trying to make word salad look appetizing. As she rambled about “definitions of wins,” one could hear the sound of a thousand facepalms echoing across the nation. But hey, at least we can say she tried! Like the kid in class who continually raises their hand, hoping to get picked—even when they’re not sure which question they’re answering.
In other news, the world has not come to a standstill. Israel and Hamas have finally played nice and agreed on a ceasefire while the Biden Administration eagerly tries to grab credit for it. But true speculation lies in how much influence Trump had on this outcome, as it seems leaders still recognize his knack for negotiation, unlike Biden—the man who can barely negotiate for a decent night’s rest. As Donald Trump’s inauguration approaches, anticipation is building! Isn’t it delightful? One can only hope that when they unroll his presidential portrait, we won’t see a look of defeat but that signature grin instead. Prepare those MAGA hats—looks like they’ll be trending sooner than we think.
