Staff Reports
The Secret Service has once again proven that it’s an agency more concerned with appearances than actual security, following a series of blunders that would make even the most incompetent sitcom characters look like professionals. Just last month, the agency failed spectacularly to thwart an assassination attempt on former President Donald Trump, resulting in the tragic death of one of his supporters. Fast forward to this week, and they find themselves embroiled in an even messier scandal involving… cocaine in the White House. Yes, folks, you read that right.
It seems the Secret Service was caught with its proverbial pants down when a Uniformed Division officer stumbled upon a bag of powder on July 2, 2023. As one might imagine, finding a mysterious substance at the White House isn’t just a casual Tuesday. In a shocking twist that could only occur in the swamp, the White House was evacuated, sending staff scrambling and raising alarms about a potential biological terror attack. But hold your horses—the substance turned out to be good ol’ cocaine instead. Good thing it wasn’t anthrax.
The White House was briefly evacuated Sunday evening while Biden was at Camp David after the Secret Service discovered a suspicious powder in a common area of the West Wing.
A preliminary test showed the substance was cocaine, officials said. 😳
pic.twitter.com/a8IHzz1qxf— No Jumper (@nojumper) July 4, 2023
According to reports from insiders, the great minds at the Secret Service, led by former director Kimberly Cheatle, decided that a cover-up might be a better strategy than genuine investigation. Allegations have surfaced claiming that Cheatle and her cronies wanted to dispose of evidence before anyone could determine exactly what was going on. When an agent actually tried to adhere to basic crime scene protocol, he was promptly reassigned—because, heaven forbid, someone does their job.
As the dust settled, the agency called in the D.C. Fire and Emergency Medical Service to handle the situation. They quickly identified the white powder as cocaine, but unfortunately for the beans of truth, the investigation appeared to fall flat after the evidence was sent off for fingerprint and DNA analysis. Though the fingerprints yielded nothing, insiders indicated that a “partial hit” was indeed found. And if the forensics jargon is anything to go by, that could mean the DNA matched a family member of some sort. Cue the conspiracy theorizing.
Perhaps the most eyebrow-raising part of this fiasco is the speculation around the identity of the potential cocaine user. Whispers have emerged, suggesting that the puffed-up mystery could indeed involve Hunter Biden. Can you imagine? The son of the President, a man who somehow remains the country’s favorite scapegoat, possibly having a grand ol’ time in the White House while cocaine stashes lie around. Yet instead of pursuing this line of inquiry, the Secret Service gave into pressure from Cheatle and other high-ranking officials to drop the investigation faster than Hunter drops his inhibitions. Now the agency finds itself trying to sweep a scandal under the rug, and in the process, raises more questions than it answers.
