Biden Campaign’s Email Pleads Desperately to Salvage Debate Disaster

Nothing screams desperation quite like the Biden campaign’s latest email blast to supporters. It’s almost endearing, if not entirely predictable. Apparently, Team Biden felt the need to flood inboxes with a step-by-step guide to salvage the president’s catastrophic debate performance. They opened with a plea for their beleaguered base to keep the faith and dispensed advice on how to counter those inconvenient truths coming from conservative relatives and inquisitive podcasters.

Admitting that Biden didn’t exactly come out swinging, they provided “7 Things to Tell Your Friends After The Debate—And 4 Things You Can Do.” Unsurprisingly, the strategy revolved around demonizing Donald Trump, sticking to punching-bag topics like Roe v. Wade and January 6th. Because when competence is in question, it’s easier to blame the other guy for everything from here to the moon.

The email nostalgically chalked up Biden’s dismal performance to people’s mistaken kindness towards the Trump years. Sure, because the only reason people think Trump did better in the debate is that they’re distracted by the glitter of his past achievements. CNN and its echo chamber band of misfit pollsters were paraded out to assure the faithful that despite Biden’s bumbling, he’s still perceived as “presidential” and “likable” by margins wider than the gap between Biden and coherence.

In a desperate attempt to prop up Biden’s tattered image, the email listed an exhaustive resume of dubious achievements. From “expanding healthcare” to “lowering insulin prices,” one couldn’t help but wonder if his administration even noticed the skyrocketing costs that most Americans are actually facing. And who can ignore the cherry on top – claiming he saved the pensions of over one million union workers? One might ponder if this was before or after peering at a teleprompter for guidance.

But then comes the real knee-slapper: the subsequent play-by-play of Biden’s supposed high-energy schedule following his debate debacle. If only the American public were awarding points for effort rather than results. The itinerary, complete with haunts at Waffle House and hobnobbing with Elton John, sounded more like a retiree’s bucket-list tour than the agenda of a spry commander-in-chief.

Of course, the liberal media predictably pivoted to a virtual pep rally to drown out the growing clamor for Biden to bow out gracefully before the curtain falls. The suggestion that Biden’s withdrawal would spell certain doom for Democrats is a dazzling admission of the party’s fragility. Internal chaos, shoe-string campaigns, and a divided base are hardly confidence boosters for a party allegedly brimming with talent.

To cap it all, there were the glowing anecdotes of grassroots activities – complete with supporters dancing in the wee hours and campaign donations pouring in like it’s the second coming of a telethon miracle. It was overly fantastical, even for the imaginative minds in Bidenland. Whether this fantasy translates into tangible votes is another story altogether.

In essence, Biden’s handlers might want to spend less time concocting multi-point email defenses and more time on substantive policies that resonate. However, at this rate, coaching supporters to respond with something more believable than a unicorn sighting seems a Herculean task. But hey, one can always dream.

Written by Staff Reports

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