Staff Reports
In a dazzling display of desperation, the Kamala Harris campaign has unleashed an ad so cringeworthy that even an avocado toast enthusiast would cringe while munching on their overpriced brunch. It stars none other than the regal Julia Roberts—because nothing says “viable political strategy” quite like a Hollywood A-lister telling voters how to navigate the ballot box like it’s a covert operation. The campaign figured that their base was so clueless that they’d only be able to vote correctly if a celebrity from the silver screen whispered the instructions softly in their ear.
Now, this delightful advertisement encourages women to sneakily vote for Kamala while leading their husbands to believe they’re casting their ballots for Donald Trump. It’s a Tinder date gone wrong in politics, folks—because if your vote requires deception at the ballot box, maybe you shouldn’t be voting. Who knew that in the land of the free, women could only exercise their right to vote while pulling off a heist? “Vote Harris,” they say, “because what happens in the voting booth stays in the booth.” Let’s be real: if you lie to your partner about voting, you might be in the wrong relationship, too.
We have President Trump and his latest press conference in a spectacular juxtaposition of absurdity. This time, he opted for a garbage truck as his stage—a stone-cold genius marketing move! He pulled the ultimate political stunt by holding a rally from inside a garbage truck, proving that he can rise above the trash—literally! This sort of bold, satirical theater mirrors the tragicomedy of modern politics. Is he merely making a statement against the Democratic Party, or was it just a coincidental juxtaposition against Joe Biden’s recent blunders? Trump in a garbage truck is the most relatable thing he’s done yet; it’s almost like he walked straight out of a buddy comedy.
Meanwhile, Democrats have been throwing shade at Trump for the past year, comparing him to, oh, I don’t know, Hitler? But in the grand tradition of irony, Joe Biden casually dropped the word “garbage” about half of America during a speech, sending his party into a veritable meltdown. Fret not, though; his spokesperson took to damage control and insisted he wasn’t calling Trump supporters garbage. But let’s rewind for a second! Any political analyst with half a brain knows that condemning half the country as garbage isn’t just a gaffe; it’s the banana peel you slip on at the party you weren’t invited to.
Against this chaotic backdrop, we find the delightful Anna Kasparian from The Young Turks, who, bless her heart, tries to convince viewers that Trump is not a fascist since he hasn’t started any new wars. Sorry, Anna, but ignoring the chaos and scandals is not the same as eliminating the label. It almost feels like climbing a mountain to shout, “I’m not out of breath!” while the rest can only gawk in disbelief.
As Trump urges his supporters to get out and Vote—with a capital V—mind you—it sounds more and more like a rallying cry for a reality show about who gets to roll the dumpster first as he claims that they can “turn the page forever” on this “failed and corrupt Administration.” And amid the laughter and confusion, one thing becomes crystal clear. Whether you’re voting for a celebrity’s pick or tumbling down the rabbit hole of political antics from a garbage truck, this election is shaping up to be the greatest show on earth! Tune in, folks—the political circus is just getting started.
