Staff Reports
Once upon a time, in the land of political predictions, there roamed a self-proclaimed election guru named Alan Lichtman. With his 13 Keys model, he fancied himself the soothsayer of elections, making bold forecasts dating back to 1984. But just like a blind squirrel stumbling across a walnut occasionally, he predicted Kamala Harris would win—despite her glaring failure to meet several of his own keys. It seems Lichtman had taken a few too many sips of the Democrat Kool-Aid, which, in 2023, was flavored with a delightful concoction of denial and miscalculation.
The election rolled around, and lo and behold, Harris didn’t just lose; she became the poster child for yet another epic Democratic flop. But instead of accepting his personal failure with grace, Lichtman concocted a brand-new theory: the American electorate is irrational! Who knew? Apparently, Lichtman had never been introduced to the idea that many voters think for themselves and might even enjoy a little common sense while at it. It’s remarkable how he could miss the boat so dramatically but still try to swim in the waters of political analysis. Sounds like someone should start reading the room—or perhaps graduate from drinking liberal conspiracy smoothies.
But wait! It gets better. Lichtman added a dash of “misinformation” to his list of woes, ignoring the fact that election campaigns are basically ancient rom-coms filled with lies, deceit, and questionable character choices. It’s almost like he was caught in a time warp, imagining that a pristine utopia of honest campaigning existed somewhere out there. Newsflash, Alan: The only thing more reliable than a politician’s lies is that their opponents always try to spin things to make themselves look good. Blaming Elon Musk and his reported “2 billion views of disinformation” seems like a real stretch. Maybe next, we could start blaming auto manufacturers for our flat tires.
And speaking of lawmakers and their apparently tragic blindness, let’s talk about the Biden-Harris administration. The infamous duo seemed determined to redefine incompetence in government. Scandals? Absolutely. Foreign failures? You bet! The economy? Suppose you took a dollar to the gas station; you might as well be using Monopoly money. An economist could write a thesis on how inflation transformed from a mere nuisance into a full-blown monster under the bed. Meanwhile, Lichtman stood back and missed the mark on key after key, painting a picture of Harris that didn’t even resemble reality. It’s almost poetic if it wasn’t so tragic for the American public.
As the dust settled on the election, the media had their collective meltdown for the ages. Unsurprisingly, networks like CBS and NBC could barely compose coherent sentences while they scrambled to make sense of a colossal Republican victory. Watching them grapple with the reality that Trump’s return could be more than just a fever dream was like watching a toddler try to walk on ice—hilariously tumultuous and deeply uncomfortable. Not only was Trump making strides with traditionally Democrat-favored demographics, but he also made up ground in urban heartlands.
It turns out that despite all attempts to label conservatism as some kind of affliction, working-class voters were starting to spark a love affair with common sense once again.
Ultimately, as Democrats pondered how they lost their grip on the traditional vote, Lichtman’s continued denial wrapped in misinterpretation became a subplot that was as entertaining as it was delusional. While a few brave souls in the party began discussing strategies to regain some semblance of sanity, they remained trapped in an echo chamber of their own absurdity. Insisting that pandering more to those who think waving “Black Lives Matter” flags while burning down local businesses would be a good idea reveals a critical disconnect—a wonderful metaphor for how out of touch they are. Perhaps it’s time to return the keys to the White House to someone who knows how to drive. Stay tuned; in this circus, the show is just getting started!
