Staff Reports
Once upon a time in the land of mainstream media, there lived a man known as Chris “Two Scoops” Cillizza, the former CNN darling who has faded into internet obscurity. After getting the boot from a network infamous for its “breaking news” alerts that often devolve into lengthy segments of speculation and snark, Cillizza found a new calling in the wild world of YouTube. Who knew that extensive degrees in journalism could culminate in a channel attracting a modest 50,000 subscribers? That’s like being a tiny fish in a murky pond, but hey, it’s better than being a fish in a frying pan!
In a recent episode, old Scoops was graced with the presence of Chuck Todd, the NBC political analyst who seems to be running low on crises to manufacture for his “Meet the Press” segments. Todd opened up about following the Hunter Biden saga closely—perhaps too closely, because it sounds like he got lost in the details. The cringe-worthy drama involving Hunter, his brother’s widow, and his struggles with addiction didn’t elicit the same horror from him as it did from many others. Chuck calls it “mixed emotions,” but most sane folks would call it straight-up creepy.
But that’s not all. Chuck Todd reminisced about Joe Biden’s reluctant entry into the 2020 presidential race. According to Todd, it was all out of the goodness of Biden’s heart. You see, Joe was simply too concerned about his family’s well-being and not at all worried about the rise of Bernie Sanders, who was poised to reshape the Democratic Party. In other words, while the party was grappling with the scary thought of a socialist in charge, Joe heroically rode in on a wave of confusion and desperation! What a noble sacrifice—that’s the kind of clutch maneuver you’d expect from your average sitcom dad, not the sitting president.
One has to wonder: in Chuck Todd’s scramble to make sense of it all, is he confusing 2020 with 2024? Probably. That mental acrobatics routine is only rivaled by Joe Biden’s ability to recite the alphabet without forgetting letters along the way. Chuck’s emotional rollercoaster about Joe’s legacy continues as he wrestles with whether or not the current president can make it through a second term. Spoiler: most Americans voted for Trump because the alternative looked like an episode of “Survivor: D.C. Edition” where no one survives.
What’s even more humorous is Chuck’s epiphany on January 6. After all those dramatic showdowns and televised hearings, Chuck can’t comprehend why no one seems to care. That’s right—while media heads were foaming at the mouth trying to convince us that this was the event of the millennium, much of the nation simply shrugged. Election cycles came and went, and guess what? The American public is largely over it. Chuck seems to have missed the memo: while he’s still stuck at the tailgate party of politics that no one wants to attend, the world has moved on.
So, as Chuck Todd battles his way through the media minefield trying to cling to an audience that just won’t bite, Americans are celebrating a loud collective “Who cares?” Meanwhile, Chris “Two Scoops” is just trying to scoop up whatever crumbs he can find in his YouTube corner of the world. And let’s be real—who could’ve guessed that these two would collude in such grand fashion? The more they fumble, the more they unite in their sad little circus of angst and obsolescence. Bravo, mainstream media—you’ve outdone yourselves this time!
