Navy Sailor Probes Biden Medical Records, Finds Wrong Joe

In a saga that sounds like it was ripped from the pages of a political thriller, a junior sailor in the U.S. Navy got their hands slapped for attempting to delve into what many call the ‘holy grail’ of medical records—those of President Joe Biden. This overly curious sailor, stationed at Fort Belvoir in Virginia, thought it would be an excellent idea to poke around in the military health system for signs of “Joseph Biden.”

It turns out our nautical sleuth wasn’t very successful. According to an official, they didn’t quite zero in on the right Joe Biden. Perhaps the sailor would have better luck searching for Bigfoot. Three futile attempts later, one vigilant coworker reported the mishap, which triggered an investigation faster than a caffeine rush. The inquisition wrapped up by April, leaving everyone likely scratching their heads and wondering why government databases might need better security protocols.

In typical bureaucratic fashion, a U.S. Navy Commander, Tim Hawkins, delivered some grade-A understatement about the sailor’s nosiness. The commander admitted it was a classic case of curiosity gone wrong. However, the sailor wasn’t met with too much punishment, just some administrative discipline, which likely involved paperwork more painful than any actual consequence. CBS was told the sailor continues to serve, a fitting testament to bureaucratic leniency.

The president’s medical fortress remains unbreached—at least by this sailor. Ironically, two days after this kerfuffle, Biden underwent a preplanned, routine physical. Of course, liberals and their media cohorts, ever paranoid, started questioning Biden’s fitness to serve. More so, after his recent debate faceoff with Trump, which many suggest Biden barely survived with any political dignity.

The nation’s thieves of free speech couldn’t resist dragging a neurologist—a lifelong Democrat, no less—onto NBC to solemnly proclaim that Biden shows the classic symptoms of Parkinson’s disease. The media is now practically yelling for Biden to step down across their columns and broadcasts. Powerful left-wing voices like The New York Times and the Los Angeles Times have reportedly joined in on the cacophony.

The nation spirals into a guessing game about whether the upcoming election will even happen. With heavyweight voices like Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn sounding the alarm, stating dire warnings about the nation’s future, Americans are left pondering if the very essence of their nation will survive past 2024. It’s a sobering thought that without a major course correction come election time. The American experiment might merely become another cautionary tale in the dusty tomes of history.

Written by Staff Reports

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