Democrats Plan Blitz Primary to Replace Biden Before Convention

The Democratic Party seems to be floundering like a fish out of water, trying to figure out what to do with its aging and increasingly unpopular presidential candidate, Joe Biden. The latest brainchild from the liberal laboratory comes from a couple of Democrats who believe a “blitz primary” is the answer to the party’s woes.

Rosa Brooks, a Georgetown Law professor, has devised a strategy aimed at turning the Democrats’ current conundrum into an “opportunity” after Biden’s less-than-stellar debate performance. Teaming up with venture capitalist and education philanthropist Ted Dintersmith, Brooks believes this could help the party rally around a shiny new candidate before the Democratic National Convention in Chicago.

The plan is nothing short of theatrical. Biden is expected to give a grandiose resignation speech by mid-July, which is supposed to be a tear-jerker that leaves everyone applauding his “selflessness.” Vice President Kamala Harris is slated to back Biden’s decision with full-fledged enthusiasm, endorsing a rapid primary process that will allow Democrats to fight for the coveted presidential nomination.

This process, romantically dubbed a “blitz primary,” is supposed to highlight the party’s so-called “deep bench” of candidates, who will compete in a “positive-only” campaign mode. The primary would resemble some kind of political speed-dating event, where five to eight hopefuls try to woo the Democratic base in a mere five weeks before the convention.

But let’s not forget, Biden has been under immense pressure to step down for months now, with many Democrats fearing his continued presence in the race could be the golden ticket for Donald Trump’s return to the White House. Despite this, Biden remains resolute, promising to stay in the race and wipe out Trump in November.

The Democratic National Committee’s never-ending quest for star power will continue, with the blitz primary possibly featuring endorsements and appearances by celebrities like Taylor Swift, Oprah, and Steph Curry. Even Michelle Obama might descend from her Netflix throne to moderate town halls in an effort to boost declining party morale.

Of course, Brooks and her cronies are quick to lavish praise on Biden, but behind their rose-colored glasses, it’s clear they see him as a liability. They argue that the party’s mediocre chances could be improved if he steps aside, and they’re banking on the drama of a late-stage candidate switcheroo to invigorate the base.

Biden, for his part, remains stubborn, buoyed by recent fundraising wins from the likes of Democratic megadonor Amy Goldman Fowler. He’s refusing to let one disastrous 90-minute debate define his campaign, boldly claiming he will beat Trump.

Finalizing their theatrical plans, the Democrats envision a grand event where Biden announces the new nominee, with none other than former Presidents Barack Obama and Bill Clinton gracing the stage. This political showcase is designed to rally a fractured party behind a successor who, at least in their dreams, is more electable than the incumbent.

In these times of Democratic disarray, one can only sit back with popcorn and watch the circus unfold.

Written by Staff Reports

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