Staff Reports
Hold onto your hats, folks, because this just in: the FBI’s Pittsburgh Field Office has revealed the identity of the wannabe Trump sniper as one Thomas Matthew Crooks, aged 20, hailing from Bethel Park, Pennsylvania. Talk about a fitting last name for someone gunning for the America-loving, freedom-fighting 45th President of the United States.
Now, before the liberal media jumps the gun and spins this story into a pretzel, let’s get some facts straight. The guy’s voter records show he rode the conservative train as a registered Republican. But wait, what’s this? Turns out young Crooks tossed $15 to a left-wing voter turnout PAC on Biden’s inauguration day back in 2021. You know what they say: follow the money.
FBI officially identifies shooter as Thomas Matthew Crooks, 20 of Bethel Park, Pennsylvania.
Voter records show Crooks was a registered Republican who made one singular $15 donation to a liberal PAC on January 20, 2021 — Biden’s Inauguration Day. pic.twitter.com/orEO4hq1PS— Prem Thakker (@prem_thakker) July 14, 2024
And let’s not ignore the wildlife in the household. Crooks’s mom smothered herself in blue as a Democrat, while his dad dipped his toes in Libertarian waters. Talk about a politically confusing upbringing. Imagine Thanksgiving dinner at their house—pass the turkey and the partisan bickering, please.
The rifle Crooks allegedly used? It reportedly belonged to dear old dad, picked up at least six months ago. Seems the apple didn’t fall far from the gun cabinet, though little Tommy was apparently a lousy shot—comically bad, in fact. Apparently, he tried joining his high school’s shooting club and got booted for missing targets by a mile and cracking jokes that would make a sailor blush. Yet somehow, this same joker thought he could pull off a sniper act from 150 meters away. Spoiler alert: he couldn’t.
Neighbors painted Crooks as a quirky loner, adding to the potpourri of oddity that surrounded him like a bad cologne. Even his classmates remembered him as a bright spark academically but dim in social settings, often donning hunting gear to class like it was fashion week in the forest.
Let’s also mention the farcical mix-up that had internet trolls and misidentifications running amok. Amidst the Twitter tornado, some intrepid sleuths wrongly fingered an Italian sports journalist as the shooter. Seriously, folks, there’s nothing like some fake news and a good ol’ European scapegoat to keep things spicy.
So here’s the rundown: a registered Republican with lefty donation tendencies, lousy marksman skills, and a surrounding circus of mixed political allegiances. If this doesn’t scream “awkward family dinners,” nothing does. The FBI and various federal pencil pushers are, of course, milking the clock with their “ongoing investigations,” leaving us all with more questions than answers.
Meanwhile, Trump dodged a literal bullet and his supporters showed what true bravery looks like. Hats off to Corey Comperatore, the true hero who shielded his daughter from the gunfire. That’s what real American courage looks like—not this twisted mess of misguided youth and political confusion.
