Staff Reports
Old Mitch McConnell Gives His Stares a Thumbs Up and Keeps on Rolling
Well, well, well, it seems like old Mitch McConnell, the Senate’s go-to grandpa, has been cleared by the Capitol doctor to keep working despite his recent health scare. The 81-year-old senator had the nation holding its breath when he started staring blankly like a deer caught in the headlights. But fear not, folks! Dr. Brian Monahan swooped in to save the day, claiming it was just a bout of lightheadedness caused by either dehydration or a concussion from earlier this year. How convenient!
Good ol’ Mitch couldn’t have been asked a more ironic question when he zoned out. “What are your thoughts on running for re-election?” Now, I don’t know about you, but I find it pretty amusing that he momentarily lost consciousness while trying to come up with a response. It’s almost like his brain couldn’t handle the idea of sticking around in politics for even longer. Can you blame it?
But hey, don’t worry, dear readers. McConnell’s staff and his Republican pals in the Senate are doing their best to downplay his concerning behavior. They want us to believe it’s just a harmless episode of lightheadedness. Oh, how reassuring. And guess what? Dr. Monahan fully endorses this assessment in his brief letter. Surprise, surprise!
According to the good doctor, occasional lightheadedness is normal during concussion recovery and can also be expected if you’re as parched as the desert. So, you see, it’s nothing to worry about, folks. Just your average, everyday senior moment happening on the Senate floor. Nothing to see here! Move along!
Now, despite Dr. Monahan’s declaration, it’s unlikely that doubters will be silenced. People are already wondering about McConnell’s fitness to lead, and this recent incident has only poured gasoline on the fire. They’re calling for his resignation, claiming it’s time for Washington to let go of its aging leadership. And you know what? They have a point!
Just look at Dianne Feinstein, the 90-year-old fossil from California who’s also facing pressure to step aside. And let’s not forget about our beloved President Biden, who’s turning 80 soon and is already getting side-eye from the general population. It seems like our nation’s leaders are becoming more like residents of the nearest retirement home. Can they even remember where they put their dentures?
Now, while McConnell has the undying support of Senate Republicans and even President Biden himself (surprise, surprise), he’s not getting any love from former President Trump and his band of populist Republicans. Marjorie Taylor Greene, the firebrand from Georgia, made it clear that she’s not buying into the senior moment excuse. According to her Twitter tirade, aging leaders with health and mental incompetence shouldn’t be calling the shots. You go, Marjorie!
So, what’s the verdict? Well, it seems like McConnell isn’t ready to hang up his political hat just yet. But mark my words, dear readers, the clock is ticking. Sooner or later, the grandpa of the Senate will have to admit defeat and leave office for good. And hey, maybe he can use all that newfound free time to brush up on his crossword puzzle skills. It’s never too late to find a new passion, especially when the old one seems to be slipping away. Stay tuned!
