Staff Reports
Breaking News: Active Shooter Incident at Legacy Good Samaritan Medical Center in Portland
In a shocking turn of events, an active shooter event unfolded at the Legacy Good Samaritan Medical Center in Portland, Oregon. The Portland Police Bureau, always on top of things, quickly deemed the hospital “safe” but decided to keep it on lockdown because why not add a little drama to the mix? Initial reports suggested that the shooter had fled the scene, leaving the police scrambling to track him down. The cops are like bloodhounds on the scent, except instead of bloodhounds, they’re men and women in blue uniforms.
An active shooter event has occured at Legacy Good Samaritan Medical Center. At this time we ask that you please avoid the area. We will continue to provide updates as we have them. pic.twitter.com/f2yj771qz0
— Legacy Health (@OurLegacyHealth) July 22, 2023
Being the helpful folks they are, the Special Emergency Reaction Team and Crisis Negotiation Team promptly arrived at the scene to save the day. It’s a good thing we have these teams ready to handle such emergencies, or else chaos would surely reign supreme. Legacy Health confirmed the shooter event, which is a fancy way of saying that, yes, there was a shooting, and urged people to stay far, far away from the area. They posted about it on social media because what better way to keep the public informed than through memes and viral videos?
This is still an active investigation and we urge those in the area to stay alert until further notice. I’m receiving regular updates from @PortlandPolice and will continue to provide updates as they develop. https://t.co/ZRdZ7Xr9yZ
— Mayor Ted Wheeler (@tedwheeler) July 22, 2023
Even the Portland Fire Bureau got in on the action, sending their fire crews to assist in the emergency room. Because, you know, when there’s an active shooter, what you really need is some firefighters to put out the fires of panic and chaos. Mayor Ted Wheeler, who seems to always be in the middle of some sort of crisis, assured the public that he is on top of things. He’s “receiving updates from the authorities” and promises to keep us updated as well. How kind of him to share the same information we’ll eventually find out anyway.
Oh, and let’s not forget the bus disruption. People trying to get from point A to point B were left stranded as TriMet clarified that there would be no bus service due to the ongoing police activity. How inconsiderate of the police to disrupt our daily commute. Can’t they just wait until after rush hour to engage in an active shooter event? Line No. 77 was initially paused, causing chaos in the lives of Line No. 77 enthusiasts, but fortunately, it resumed operation around 1:30 p.m. PDT. Crisis averted, folks.
As always, stay tuned for more updates on this breaking news story. We wouldn’t want you to miss a single thrilling detail of this action-packed event.
